When I decided to write a blog I promised myself I would be honest, raw and unedited. I would not just do this for those who might choose to read it, but for myself. Some of this is still very emotional for me and I am sure I will shed a tear or two while writing. In future posts I will focus more on training tips and nutrition, but for now it only seems right to start at the very beginning.
2013 started out as a wretched year....my heart was broken, my soul was crushed, I was depressed and I was angry, very angry. Mostly, I was angry with myself, especially when I looked in the mirror or in my closet. I only had one pair of jeans that fit and a closet full staring at me that didn't. I knew how to eat clean and workout but I couldn't find the motivation. Food had been my friend and it loved me as much as I loved it. When I stepped on the scale on New Year's Day it was the heaviest I had been in years. I burst into tears and then went to the pantry to find something sweet and eat my feelings. To say the least, I didn't feel things were going my way and I was my version of miserable. Then something odd happened: I was standing in my bathroom looking in the mirror and the voice in my head said loudly "No one is going to do it for you." I answered out loud "You're right." I thought for a moment I had finally gone insane, but instead, something clicked. Instantaneously, I decided no more "sad sack, poor me" stories and no more excuses. I knew what I wanted to achieve and I was finally ready to get started.
We are all motivated by internal and external forces but finding the right motivation that keeps us driven can be the most difficult task of all. I was angry and when anger is channeled correctly it can be quite powerful and positive. Really, this just started as straight up anger management.
The first thing I did was pull out a large garbage bag and throw out everything in my pantry, refrigerator, freezer and special hiding places that was not going to be a positive influence. I have never been much on snacks or chips but I have a raging sweet tooth so I lamented the loss of six chocolate chip cookie sandwiches and large bag of peanut butter M&Ms. Anything that I could dream of snacking on was tossed. The next day I changed gyms. Now, I had a clean pantry, refrigerator and freezer and a new gym membership at Lifetime Fitness. Next, I went to Marshall's and Target to purchase new workout attire. (I couldn't look ghetto in the high class gym.) Then I made a grocery list and went by Kroger's. On a complete whim, I picked up "Hers Muscle & Fitness" Magazine. This would become my bible and I still subscribe. It has fantastic meal plans and training spreads complete with pictures. I read it cover to cover many times and each time extracted something new. I found two blank journals and made one for training and one for meal planning.
The first thing I did was pull out a large garbage bag and throw out everything in my pantry, refrigerator, freezer and special hiding places that was not going to be a positive influence. I have never been much on snacks or chips but I have a raging sweet tooth so I lamented the loss of six chocolate chip cookie sandwiches and large bag of peanut butter M&Ms. Anything that I could dream of snacking on was tossed. The next day I changed gyms. Now, I had a clean pantry, refrigerator and freezer and a new gym membership at Lifetime Fitness. Next, I went to Marshall's and Target to purchase new workout attire. (I couldn't look ghetto in the high class gym.) Then I made a grocery list and went by Kroger's. On a complete whim, I picked up "Hers Muscle & Fitness" Magazine. This would become my bible and I still subscribe. It has fantastic meal plans and training spreads complete with pictures. I read it cover to cover many times and each time extracted something new. I found two blank journals and made one for training and one for meal planning.
When my alarm went off the next morning at 5 AM, I was up, dressed and at the gym by 5:20 AM. I executed my plan and felt good. There was only one problem, I got to see my (then) ex and his new girlfriend working out together. I didn't want to see that, no one wanted to see that. However, it wasn't going to derail my plans so I got up earlier. The alarm started going off at 4 AM so I could be gone before they arrived. I made it through the first week. It was hard. I was tired, hungry and unhappy but I stuck to my plan and when I stepped on the scale I was rewarded for my efforts. Time went on and I started to enjoy getting up that early. Usually, being at the gym was the happiest part of my day because I was alone with my thoughts or could choose to think about nothing. I listened to my music and no one bothered me, which was good because I wanted to be left alone. I had my "hi peeps" (there were only 10 of us there at that ungodly hour), my body started changing and I noticed that mentally I felt stronger. The first month went by and I was down seven pounds and then time started to fly. I told my external motivation it could F-off because I was in this for me now. I took a hard look at my life and decided what was really important and what I could let go of. And, I did let go of things: people, negativity and expectations to name a few. Funny thing happened when I started concentrating on me: my self-confidence and self-image began to sky rocket, my relationships became better, I became a happier person and was no longer the shrinking violet. I was no longer afraid to walk away from a situation I knew wasn't good for me.
February passed in the blink of an eye and then it was March. I was lifting heavier weight, I could see muscles, I was pushing myself harder. To keep things interesting and my muscles confused, I changed my training split every month. I was feeling good and had met my secret goal which was to look better in a swim suit than I ever had. I even wanted to wear one! In three months I had lost 15 pounds and lots of inches. People started to notice. Clothes that were once tight were now too big. I was feeling mentally and physically better than I ever had! A prominent trainer at the gym stopped me one morning and said "I see you here all the time in the morning. To be here this early takes a lot of dedication and you look great. What are you training for?" I really didn't know how to answer that. What was I training for??? Life. I was training for life, although I do not believe that was the answer he was looking for. Then he asked "If you don't mind me asking, what age group are you in?" I answered "37." He said "Really? I thought you were in your 20's". That made my day, my week, hell, maybe even my whole year. Another trainer asked if I had a competition coming up and a gym patron asked me to give her some pointers. I was encouraged. I bought better clothes for the gym that really showed the figure I was working so hard for. I was proud of what I had been able to do. I had completely transformed my lifestyle and myself. I set new goals. I felt unstoppable and that I could handle anything life threw at me.
And then, the one I had wanted to notice, did. And this time our relationship would be on very different terms. The abridged version is that all worked out as it should have and there are such things as happy endings. Although, I do not think that would have happened if we hadn't had our separate experiences because I needed the time to grow and transform and so did he.
A year and a half later, I continue to set new goals and push my limits. Sometimes, I think I have completely lost my mind and maybe I have. Now, when someone gives me a difficult time about going to the gym I know it is because they do not understand how it has changed my life. How it has made me a confident, stronger and better person. Yes, I look and feel better physically but it is the mental aspect I appreciate the most. Maybe the break-up was the best thing to ever happen to me.
I truly believe if I can do this, so can you. If this has made you smile, laugh or even given you a little motivation, I am happy to have shared my experience with you. Find your motivation, set your goals and don't let anyone or anything stand in your way.
Until next time, be your best self and keep it Fit with Attitude!
XOXO,
And then, the one I had wanted to notice, did. And this time our relationship would be on very different terms. The abridged version is that all worked out as it should have and there are such things as happy endings. Although, I do not think that would have happened if we hadn't had our separate experiences because I needed the time to grow and transform and so did he.
A year and a half later, I continue to set new goals and push my limits. Sometimes, I think I have completely lost my mind and maybe I have. Now, when someone gives me a difficult time about going to the gym I know it is because they do not understand how it has changed my life. How it has made me a confident, stronger and better person. Yes, I look and feel better physically but it is the mental aspect I appreciate the most. Maybe the break-up was the best thing to ever happen to me.
I truly believe if I can do this, so can you. If this has made you smile, laugh or even given you a little motivation, I am happy to have shared my experience with you. Find your motivation, set your goals and don't let anyone or anything stand in your way.
Until next time, be your best self and keep it Fit with Attitude!
XOXO,
Carrie
The Happy Ending
